How to Impress Your Boss: Accelerating your Career with Feedback
Want to give kick-ass feedback to your boss/colleague/partner/parent so they actually do something about it without getting defensive? Then read on š
Great communication isnāt just about what you say, itās about what other people hear.
Feedback is my oxygen.
Itās what helps me grow and become the best version of myself. Iām pretty convinced that one of the most leveraged way to improve oneself is to ferociously seek out feedback and ensure youāre working in an environment where not giving feedback is considered bad practice.
But how do you give really good feedback whilst being honest and minimise the chances of someone taking your feedback badly?
How do you receive feedback well?
Weāll answer both of these questions in this blog š
How do I give high-quality feedback?
In an ideal world, giving feedback should make the feedback-receiver feel empowered rather than defensive; it should inspire dialogue and action rather than withdrawal.
How do we do this?
First, acknowledge that everyone responds to feedback differently, so ask for permission
When I started working for a high-growth ed-tech startup a few years ago, everyone was obsessed with feedback.
It was great ā and we all followed the following feedback model that weād use in our 1 hour 1ā1 sessions every two weeks:
But at the same time, I was working at another job where feedback was absolutely not the norm.
Naively excited to implement my newfound approach to giving constructive feedback, I used the same framework with one of my colleagues from my other workplace in an email that I was very proud of. I included things she should continue doing, a couple of suggestions on what she could start and stopā¦ boy I was proud of myself for giving such excellent feedback!
The response was horrible.
My feedback made her extremely defensive and I woke up to an almost 1,000 word email about why feedback was āinappropriateā in the workplace.
But it was my fault.
I hadnāt checked in with her before about her feedback boundaries. She didnāt ask me for feedback; I just gave it to her.
Whatās the learning here?
When you start working with someone, align on your boundaries and preferences around feedback. Hereās an example of what I often say to people when I start working with them.
Hey Jonathan, receiving feedback is really important to me. I generally enjoy receiving both positive and constructive feedback when weāre 1:1 rather than in a group. Would you feel comfortable with me giving you feedback too in a 1:1 context, and is there anything I should bear in mind when giving you feedback?
Use Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
NVC is an extremely powerful method of communication that will literally not only transform your working relationships, but your relationships in general. The more you master the art of NVC, the more youāll find people listen to you, like you, and the more āheardā you will make people feel.
You can read this book or this book or this book to find out more about NVC (or just YouTube it), but in a nutshell, itās a framework that allows you to give honest feedback whilst minimising the chance of insulting your counterpart or inciting a defensive response.
Hereās a general template for NVC:
I noticed that [state observation]. It made me feel [state the emotion it triggered in you] because I have a need for [state universal need]. Would you be able to [state your request]?
And thatās literally it.
Nothing fancy. Just direct, honest communication.
Whilst it does sound slightly strange when you first come across it (and in reality it should always be interpreted/tweaked depending on the person and context), letās break down why this is effective.
To do so, letās take a scenario where you were presenting something to a client at work and your boss interrupted you a few times during your presentation, which made you feel frustrated.
1. Observing, not judging
De-coupling an observation with a judgement is very difficult, but powerful in ensuring that the recipient of your feedback does not feel defensive.
I noticed that in our meeting earlier, I was interrupted a few times.
This is an observation. There is no judgement or evaluation here. Iām just telling my boss something that is undeniable. It happened. Itās so much more effective than something like
You were rude to interrupt me during my presentation
This instantly triggers a fight-or-flight response in the feedback-receiver, as itās laced with a judgement; calling them rude is an attack on their character and is likely to sit negatively with their ego.
They also probably wouldnāt consider themselves as ārudeā, so this feedback is misaligned with their self-perception meaning that theyāre more likely to shut down and not listen to the rest of your feedback.
2. Emotions, not categorical truths
The next bit is where most people think this whole NVC stuff a bit too āhippieā for them, but once you give it a go and see its effectiveness youāll get over this.
Ultimately, no-one can deny how someone made you feel. If I told you, āwatching Bambi made me feel sadā, you canāt really respond with āno it didnātā.
In the same vain, when giving feedback, always focus on the emotions it brings up for you rather than a categorical truth.
I noticed in our meeting I was interrupted a few times. It made me feel inferior and vulnerable.
Compare that to
I noticed in our meeting I was interrupted a few times. That was undermining and disrespectful
Remember, great communication isnāt just about what you say, itās about what other people hear.
No-one can deny how something makes you feel; only you can be the judge of that. Here are some examples of emotions vs categorical truths to kick in that pattern recognition.
- Emotion: āI feel rejectedā
- Categorical truth: āYou rejected meā
- Emotion: āI feel embarrassedā
- Categorical truth: āYou embarrassed meā
- Emotion: āI feel misunderstoodā
- Categorical truth: āYou misunderstood meā
In the second example, anyone can respond with āno I didnātā. But if you say āI feel [emotion]ā, saying āNo you didnāt!ā doesnāt really make sense any more.
Two tips on this:
First, here is a wheel of emotions you can use as reference rather than just saying āit made me feel happy/sadā
Second, sometimes I replace āit made me feelā with āthe story I started to tell myself was that [e.g. I am inadequate].ā
Again, when you say something like the story Iām telling myself, the feedback receiver canāt disagree with that. They might think āAh, thatās the story youāre telling yourself, but this is the story Iām telling myselfā, and you suddenly find yourself in a genuine dialogue about what happened and why.
3. Universal needs
Behind every emotion is an unmet need
Stating the universal need thatās not being met will make it so much easier for you to work with your feedback-receiver to come up with a solution that solves the root of the issue.
It also adds some vulnerability into the picture, which encourages your counterpart to also be vulnerable.
I noticed in our meeting I was interrupted a few times. It made me feel like my contributions arenāt important because I seek trust and validation.
Everyone seeks trust and validation. Weāre all human beings after all.
Stating your unmet universal needs makes it really hard for the feedback-receiver to act defensively, because doing so would have to neglect (a) your original emotion and (b) a universal need that everyone, by definition, seeks.
Hereās a list of more universal needs you might want to refer to. It feels a bit strange at first to use them, but once they become part of your vocabulary, youāll become an NVC pro š¤
4. The curious pause
Typically, at this point, I break free from the NVC framework and before making my request, I pause and say
Iām curious to hear your thoughts on this?
You donāt have to do this, and depending on the context, itās totally fine to jump straight to your request, but Iām always aware that whatever I say is just the story Iām telling myself.
Inviting my counterpart to engage in a dialogue, particularly because Iāve now set the tone of the conversation, is useful as it (a) gives them a chance to feel heard and (b) gives you the chance to learn something and clear up any misconceptions.
Who knows, they might respond with
āOmg! Iām so sorry ā I had no idea it would make you feel that way. From my side I got the feeling that you wanted my support which is why I jumped inā.
Suddenly youāre both able to discuss this in a mature way, calibrate with each other and ensure that for the next presentation youāre in sync with each other.
5. The request
For me, I typically donāt go in for a hard request.
Normally, after my ācurious pauseā where I invite my counterpart in on the conversation, we work together to come up with a way to move forward so that both of our needs are being met. We both feel ownership of the next steps rather than it coming only from me.
If you are making a request, make sure that it is a concrete (rather than super general).
- āIn future, can you be more considerate?ā This isnāt a good request. Itās too general and vague. What does it actually look like to be more considerate?
- āIn future, can you let me finish my sentences before sharing your thoughts?ā Much better, this canāt really be misinterpreted šŖ
Finally, always invite feedback in return ā youāre not infallible yourself, so ask your colleague āDo you have any feedback for me?ā
How to receive feedback well
If you do give feedback and itās not taken well, donāt worry.
Not everyone is well-versed in NVC, so try to see through any defensiveness or ego-driven statements and understand what emotions they might be feeling and which universal needs arenāt being met for them. Hereās a few things I like to say when someone doesnāt take my feedback so constructively
āCan you help me understand what Iām getting wrong?ā
āIt sounds like Iāve upset you ā what am I missing here?ā
Be humble. Take ownership and lead with curiosity: remember, our minds are amazing at creating causal relationships that arenāt actually causal and creating narratives and stories that might not reflect reality š
But what about when someoneās giving you feedback?
Itās all good and well to talk about emotions and universal needs, but weāre all humans and we all have an an impulse to defend ourselves during conflict.
Whether you agree with their feedback or not, thank them for giving you feedback.
If you agree, let them know that you agree and that youāll do your best to consider it moving forwards. Then invite them to hold you accountable to this so that they feel truly heard.
Thank you so much for telling me that, I honestly hadnāt noticed that. Iāll definitely work on this by [state how youāll work on it] ā if I slip up in the future could you please keep me accountable?
If you think the request is way off, then try something like this
Thank you so much for telling me that, I honestly hadnāt noticed that I had made you feel that way. I wonder if [the request] is the best way of getting to the root of this?
Then pause.
Even if you have a better suggestion, I think itās always best to open it up with a question and then when a dialogue ensues, you can both co-create a new request that meets both of your needs.
Iāve made this all sound a lot easier than it is.
Giving and receiving is hard.
Being vulnerable is hard, particularly when others donāt hold space for your vulnerability so well.
But practising giving and receiving feedback is one of the most leveraged things you can do in your career š
On another note, my friend Andrew and I have started an Accountability Club.
Itās an exclusive members-only WhatsApp group, where we hold each other accountable to our goals and habits, with consequences attached if you break your promises š¬
There are big things we all want to do and achieve, but most of the time procrastination & laziness get in the way.
Accountability is the key to surmounting these obstacles.
Weāre only taking on 10 people while we test it out, so if youāre interested, please complete this 3-Question Application Form š
Weāll get back to you if we think youāre a good fit for the first Accountability Club cohort!