How to Impress Your Boss: Accelerating your Career with Feedback

Want to give kick-ass feedback to your boss/colleague/partner/parent so they actually do something about it without getting defensive? Then read on 😎

What feedback often looks/feels like — not super fun 😞

Great communication isn’t just about what you say, it’s about what other people hear.

Feedback is my oxygen.

It’s what helps me grow and become the best version of myself. I’m pretty convinced that one of the most leveraged way to improve oneself is to ferociously seek out feedback and ensure you’re working in an environment where not giving feedback is considered bad practice.

But how do you give really good feedback whilst being honest and minimise the chances of someone taking your feedback badly?

How do you receive feedback well?

We’ll answer both of these questions in this blog 🚀

How do I give high-quality feedback?

In an ideal world, giving feedback should make the feedback-receiver feel empowered rather than defensive; it should inspire dialogue and action rather than withdrawal.

How do we do this?

First, acknowledge that everyone responds to feedback differently, so ask for permission

When I started working for a high-growth ed-tech startup a few years ago, everyone was obsessed with feedback.

It was great — and we all followed the following feedback model that we’d use in our 1 hour 1–1 sessions every two weeks:

But at the same time, I was working at another job where feedback was absolutely not the norm.

Naively excited to implement my newfound approach to giving constructive feedback, I used the same framework with one of my colleagues from my other workplace in an email that I was very proud of. I included things she should continue doing, a couple of suggestions on what she could start and stop… boy I was proud of myself for giving such excellent feedback!

The response was horrible.

My feedback made her extremely defensive and I woke up to an almost 1,000 word email about why feedback was ‘inappropriate’ in the workplace.

But it was my fault.

I hadn’t checked in with her before about her feedback boundaries. She didn’t ask me for feedback; I just gave it to her.

What’s the learning here?

When you start working with someone, align on your boundaries and preferences around feedback. Here’s an example of what I often say to people when I start working with them.

Hey Jonathan, receiving feedback is really important to me. I generally enjoy receiving both positive and constructive feedback when we’re 1:1 rather than in a group. Would you feel comfortable with me giving you feedback too in a 1:1 context, and is there anything I should bear in mind when giving you feedback?

Use Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

NVC is an extremely powerful method of communication that will literally not only transform your working relationships, but your relationships in general. The more you master the art of NVC, the more you’ll find people listen to you, like you, and the more ‘heard’ you will make people feel.

You can read this book or this book or this book to find out more about NVC (or just YouTube it), but in a nutshell, it’s a framework that allows you to give honest feedback whilst minimising the chance of insulting your counterpart or inciting a defensive response.

Here’s a general template for NVC:

I noticed that [state observation]. It made me feel [state the emotion it triggered in you] because I have a need for [state universal need]. Would you be able to [state your request]?

And that’s literally it.

Nothing fancy. Just direct, honest communication.

Whilst it does sound slightly strange when you first come across it (and in reality it should always be interpreted/tweaked depending on the person and context), let’s break down why this is effective.

To do so, let’s take a scenario where you were presenting something to a client at work and your boss interrupted you a few times during your presentation, which made you feel frustrated.

1. Observing, not judging

De-coupling an observation with a judgement is very difficult, but powerful in ensuring that the recipient of your feedback does not feel defensive.

I noticed that in our meeting earlier, I was interrupted a few times.

This is an observation. There is no judgement or evaluation here. I’m just telling my boss something that is undeniable. It happened. It’s so much more effective than something like

You were rude to interrupt me during my presentation

This instantly triggers a fight-or-flight response in the feedback-receiver, as it’s laced with a judgement; calling them rude is an attack on their character and is likely to sit negatively with their ego.

They also probably wouldn’t consider themselves as ‘rude’, so this feedback is misaligned with their self-perception meaning that they’re more likely to shut down and not listen to the rest of your feedback.

2. Emotions, not categorical truths

The next bit is where most people think this whole NVC stuff a bit too “hippie” for them, but once you give it a go and see its effectiveness you’ll get over this.

Ultimately, no-one can deny how someone made you feel. If I told you, “watching Bambi made me feel sad”, you can’t really respond with “no it didn’t”.

In the same vain, when giving feedback, always focus on the emotions it brings up for you rather than a categorical truth.

I noticed in our meeting I was interrupted a few times. It made me feel inferior and vulnerable.

Compare that to

I noticed in our meeting I was interrupted a few times. That was undermining and disrespectful

Remember, great communication isn’t just about what you say, it’s about what other people hear.

No-one can deny how something makes you feel; only you can be the judge of that. Here are some examples of emotions vs categorical truths to kick in that pattern recognition.

• Emotion: “I feel rejected”
• Categorical truth: “You rejected me”
• Emotion: “I feel embarrassed”
• Categorical truth: “You embarrassed me”
• Emotion: “I feel misunderstood”
• Categorical truth: “You misunderstood me”

In the second example, anyone can respond with “no I didn’t”. But if you say “I feel [emotion]”, saying “No you didn’t!” doesn’t really make sense any more.

Two tips on this:

First, here is a wheel of emotions you can use as reference rather than just saying “it made me feel happy/sad”

Thanks to Isla Suddek for having this as her screensaver and sharing it with me!

Second, sometimes I replace “it made me feel” with “the story I started to tell myself was that [e.g. I am inadequate].”

Again, when you say something like the story I’m telling myself, the feedback receiver can’t disagree with that. They might think “Ah, that’s the story you’re telling yourself, but this is the story I’m telling myself”, and you suddenly find yourself in a genuine dialogue about what happened and why.

3. Universal needs

Behind every emotion is an unmet need

Stating the universal need that’s not being met will make it so much easier for you to work with your feedback-receiver to come up with a solution that solves the root of the issue.

It also adds some vulnerability into the picture, which encourages your counterpart to also be vulnerable.

I noticed in our meeting I was interrupted a few times. It made me feel like my contributions aren’t important because I seek trust and validation.

Everyone seeks trust and validation. We’re all human beings after all.

Stating your unmet universal needs makes it really hard for the feedback-receiver to act defensively, because doing so would have to neglect (a) your original emotion and (b) a universal need that everyone, by definition, seeks.

Here’s a list of more universal needs you might want to refer to. It feels a bit strange at first to use them, but once they become part of your vocabulary, you’ll become an NVC pro 🤓

From https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

4. The curious pause

Typically, at this point, I break free from the NVC framework and before making my request, I pause and say

I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this?

You don’t have to do this, and depending on the context, it’s totally fine to jump straight to your request, but I’m always aware that whatever I say is just the story I’m telling myself.

Inviting my counterpart to engage in a dialogue, particularly because I’ve now set the tone of the conversation, is useful as it (a) gives them a chance to feel heard and (b) gives you the chance to learn something and clear up any misconceptions.

Who knows, they might respond with

“Omg! I’m so sorry — I had no idea it would make you feel that way. From my side I got the feeling that you wanted my support which is why I jumped in”.

Suddenly you’re both able to discuss this in a mature way, calibrate with each other and ensure that for the next presentation you’re in sync with each other.

5. The request

For me, I typically don’t go in for a hard request.

Normally, after my ‘curious pause’ where I invite my counterpart in on the conversation, we work together to come up with a way to move forward so that both of our needs are being met. We both feel ownership of the next steps rather than it coming only from me.

If you are making a request, make sure that it is a concrete (rather than super general).

• “In future, can you be more considerate?” This isn’t a good request. It’s too general and vague. What does it actually look like to be more considerate?
• “In future, can you let me finish my sentences before sharing your thoughts?” Much better, this can’t really be misinterpreted 💪

Finally, always invite feedback in return — you’re not infallible yourself, so ask your colleague “Do you have any feedback for me?”

How to receive feedback well

If you do give feedback and it’s not taken well, don’t worry.

Not everyone is well-versed in NVC, so try to see through any defensiveness or ego-driven statements and understand what emotions they might be feeling and which universal needs aren’t being met for them. Here’s a few things I like to say when someone doesn’t take my feedback so constructively

“Can you help me understand what I’m getting wrong?”

“It sounds like I’ve upset you — what am I missing here?”

Be humble. Take ownership and lead with curiosity: remember, our minds are amazing at creating causal relationships that aren’t actually causal and creating narratives and stories that might not reflect reality 😎

But what about when someone’s giving you feedback?

It’s all good and well to talk about emotions and universal needs, but we’re all humans and we all have an an impulse to defend ourselves during conflict.

Whether you agree with their feedback or not, thank them for giving you feedback.

If you agree, let them know that you agree and that you’ll do your best to consider it moving forwards. Then invite them to hold you accountable to this so that they feel truly heard.

Thank you so much for telling me that, I honestly hadn’t noticed that. I’ll definitely work on this by [state how you’ll work on it] — if I slip up in the future could you please keep me accountable?

If you think the request is way off, then try something like this

Thank you so much for telling me that, I honestly hadn’t noticed that I had made you feel that way. I wonder if [the request] is the best way of getting to the root of this?

Then pause.

Even if you have a better suggestion, I think it’s always best to open it up with a question and then when a dialogue ensues, you can both co-create a new request that meets both of your needs.

I’ve made this all sound a lot easier than it is.

Giving and receiving is hard.

Being vulnerable is hard, particularly when others don’t hold space for your vulnerability so well.

But practising giving and receiving feedback is one of the most leveraged things you can do in your career 🚀

On another note, my friend Andrew and I have started an Accountability Club.

It’s an exclusive members-only WhatsApp group, where we hold each other accountable to our goals and habits, with consequences attached if you break your promises 😬

There are big things we all want to do and achieve, but most of the time procrastination & laziness get in the way.

Accountability is the key to surmounting these obstacles.

We’re only taking on 10 people while we test it out, so if you’re interested, please complete this 3-Question Application Form 🚀

We’ll get back to you if we think you’re a good fit for the first Accountability Club cohort!